Holding hands with loss, and with life…

     On May 4, 2012, my husband died in a motorcycle accident.  Then for the next year and a half, I died too… a slow death, a death of self.   The ME that was, was no longer.  I wasn’t a wife, I wasn’t a couple. Was I still an artist, because my heart just wasn’t in it?  The dreams and plans that we had would never happen.  Life as I knew it faded away.  Oh, I got out and did a few things… went out to dinner with the girls, spent my 50th Birthday at Disneyland,  and taught at a couple of art events.  But in between,  I numbed myself with Television, the computer, and sleeping. I read books about losing a spouse. I even tried drinking a goodly amount a few times, but that really didn’t work out so well!   I went on a road trip with my little vintage trailer, visited family, but still those times of “living” were few and far between.  After a breakdown of sorts while on vacation with friends,  “living” seemed impossible.   I was so alone. Friends were tired of my neediness, and self pity, and I spent nearly all of the next two weeks in bed.  You see, when you have a great loss, no one comes and holds your hand to guide you through it. You’re just stuck out there to figure it out.

    At the beginning of September, I read something that made so much sense.  The loss and grief were like being stuck in the “waiting room”.  I was waiting for my name to be called… Or for someone to come and open the door. The “waiting” room became comfortable in a way.  It was a place to cry, to wrap myself in a blanket of sadness, and to protect myself from all of the what-ifs, and what-nows.  The problem was, that the door was locked from the inside, and no one on the outside could open it. Some tried, and I am grateful for that.  I learned that I had to do it myself.

   I saw that a book called Second Firsts, Live, Laugh, Love Again, by Christina Rasmussen, was coming out soon.  I then discovered that she had an online program, which I began on Oct 11.  In a few short weeks, my perspective started to change. I didn’t have to wait for my loss to go…It will never go away.  But, I could start to live, even with the loss,  along side of it.  A little bit at a time. It’s not the life that I planned, I have to make a new one.  One just for me.  And I am doing it in little steps. Grateful, loving, kind, generous, and artistic little steps!

    This amazing book, comes out Nov. 4, and is already in a second print because of pre-orders.

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