Release

The idea or thought of deliberately causing oneself pain is incomprehensible to most people. It’s an extremely hard thing to admit doing, and incredibly painful for you and for those around you. I hope by writing about my journey through self harming can be of some help to anyone dealing with this issue or who knows someone who is.

I originally started self harming when I was fifteen. At the time, I remember my body just feeling so numb, I wanted to feel something. I don’t remember how I came to the conclusion to start causing pain to myself to feel something. I was very neglected emotionally and had a lot of trouble reaching out to people or trusting anyone.

After cutting for a long time, lost in a flood of depression, I tried to commit suicide three times. After that, one night I was curled up on my bedroom floor crying, pain streaming down my arms and onto the carpet, I looked up and begged God. “Please make it stop. Please, I can’t do this anymore. Either let me die or take away the pain. PLEASE. ”

I remember after that, I stopped. I felt better and I was able to continue on with my life to the best of my ability. I believed for sure that God had saved me and I thanked him for it every day.

Fast forward sixteen years, the memories of my traumatic past came back to haunt me in a big way. I felt like I had lost my way and I felt so full of emotions and memories, I felt like I had so much STUFF inside me. I had to let it out. The self harming began again.

Recovering from self harming the second time around was extremely difficult for me. It felt like an addiction. I felt like it could make me feel better, and able to handle things and be responsible for all the things a mother, wife, employee is responsible for.

Unfortunately, like any drug, my body became used to the pain and I felt the need to go further, cause more pain, each time. I was seeing a counsellor and we talked about it a lot, she was very concerned about my behaviour and sometimes I was so distressed, we were both afraid of what i might do.

Last year, I tried to commit suicide again. My husband stopped me in the middle of it, and we had a long talk. I opened up to him and told him everything. He knew I had been self harming and he knew what I was going through with the past memories. it was incredibly hard for him to watch. The woman he loves was tearing herself a part, and he did not know how to help or what to do.

After the last time, it was so serious that I frightened myself. It took a long time, but once I realised that I held no fault in what had happened to me as a child, I was finally able to realise that i did not deserve to be in pain or to cause myself pain. My husband and children certainly didn’t deserve to see me like that. I realised that I needed to express my feelings and let them out in a healthier way. I was honestly afraid that I would really do some damage one day, whether it was intentional or not, and I had just discovered the absolute unreal beauty of life. I realised that NO ONE deserves that kind of pain in their life. No one.

So I had to learn to take care of myself. I had to learn that if I was haunted by memories, nightmares or flashbacks, that it was my responsibility to nurture myself, not punish myself. I began writing about my feelings and the things that had happened to me. I spoke to counsellors every day. I talked with my husband when I felt like I was losing control. I began drawing again. I began taking time out for myself, for the first time in my life. I expressed myself in every way it could think of that was healthy for me, even if it was just in the clothes that I wore or the way I did my hair for the day. I opened up to the people who are close to me in a way that I never had before, and I discovered TRUST and COMPASSION and UNDERSTANDING from these people. I realised that people held hope for me, and that they were there for me and really cared for me.

I had battled with depression and self harm for so long, I forgot that other people didn’t see me that way at all.It was very eye-opening for me to realise that people cared for me, but I was also interested in how people cared for themselves. My counsellor taught me how to do little things for myself, like using hand cream. My friends showed me how they pamper themselves by getting their nails done. Growing up in a place where I couldn’t do those things, it was and still is very new.  But it is exciting!! There are so many healthy ways to feel release from pain, and so many amazing things to see and do on this Earth. I truly feel like I have had a lot of second chances in my life, and I’ve been so lucky throughout my whole journey to continue to learn and grow from all my experiences.

Learning how to live without self harming was a day by day process for me, one step at a time. But now, I realise that I don’t even think of it every day! I’ve taken that option off the table, and replaced it with other things that nurture and care for me and are beneficial to my health. And I get so much more out of it! The relief I felt by causing myself pain got shorter and shorter in between, and it meant covering up scars all the time. I was in pain and ashamed. The relief I feel by talking to my counsellor, writing or doing something nice for myself, lasts so much longer, and when I get the painful feelings out, they stay out! And each time I don’t cut, I get stronger and I feel so much better and I’m so proud of myself. Editing this, about 8 or so weeks later, I can say that there have been many more trying times that I have really struggled with. But I am now at 10 weeks and 6 days self harm free. I will continue to keep always trying to be strong, I know I can do this.

I hope that no one reading this has had experience in this area, but if you have, you are not alone ever. And you deserve to take care of you. I believe we are all beautiful souls who are here to experience an amazing life and we are all here to help and support each other in whatever ways we can.

Blessed be xxx

 

Comments

  1. Monica says:

    Baby, life is hard and for most of us (me included) is has always been hard with little relief. I am 63 years old, come from mental, physical and emotional abuse from the day I was born…whole family are addicts. I am lucky, I did not get that gene. But that environment cripples you. I feel your soul and your hurt and I want it all to go away for you. I want you to see the beauty that life can offer and feel peace. I don’t feel the peace yet or see the beauty most people talk about……. but everyday I think that will change. Everyday I expect a miracle. I do what I feel is good for my health so I can feel strong……… I do what I can to nourish my mind and keep it strong and healthy (that is the toughest for me. I have been beaten down too much and it is a battle to find hope……. but, I expect a miracle anyway). I try everyday and every moment of that day to keep myself ready and able to accept the miracle when it comes. It could happen at any moment. Life can turn on a dime, for the best. That is what I wish for both of us. The day is not over…… a miracle can happen…..
    I wish only the best for you. I wish peace and contentment and clarity for you……

Speak Your Mind

*