She’s Flawless…Or Is She…?

everything changed the day she learned that she was just as valuable as everyone else

Somewhere, right now, there is a woman walking on the sidewalk, her inconceivably toned body cat-walking in her designer suit. In complete tranquility, she flawlessly handles more roles than she can count on her manicured fingers. She has carefully dusted trophies lining her Italian marble antique hearth, congratulating the immaculate job she has done with everything she has ever tried. She is patient, intelligent, kind, assertive, unbelievably beautiful, humble and unfairly talented. She has no cellulite. She never gets depressed or overwhelmed, ever. She lives in her dream house and cooks gourmet meals after arriving home from very long days of role-filling, with an abundance of energy to finish off the day. She is the ideal parent, girl of her guy’s dreams, star businesswoman, marathon runner and the picture of civil servanthood. She truly, and to our discouragement, ‘has it all’.

Yes, somewhere right now that very woman exists….far too many of these women exist. It’s just too bad that not a single one of them are real…they exist only in our imaginations. I thought up that woman above myself….I think her up all the time….she is flawless and she puts everything I do to shame.

Think of the woman that you had on your mind, the woman you suspected as you were reading the first paragraph until you realized the ridiculousness of it all. I’m a woman too, and I know well enough that you were thinking of someone, because I know I was! You probably saw things in her that made you cringe with resentment, maybe you saw things in her that reminded you of yourself and you were sticking up for her as you empathized. “no one sees what’s really going on behind the scenes with this poor woman.” Maybe you were thinking of someone in your life that you have envied from afar, even been jealous of. Maybe you see this woman so clearly because she lives in your mind and haunts you night and day, screaming reminders of all the things that you are not.

Let’s give her a name…lets call her Compara…Compara Yudaher..

Compara comes in many forms. You would probably describe a whole different Compara than I would. She is simply the perfect woman, she has it ALL. She’s got brains, looks, money, the best recipes, creativity, a fast metabolism, fame, intuition, style, skills, successful relationships, balance, etc., etc., etc. What she has that bothers us most, is every single thing that we think we don’t have, even if we never wanted those things until we compared ourselves to her.

How do we know so much about Ms. Compara Yudeher? Because we have watched her, studied her, picked her apart. The things we haven’t seen her do, we’ve guessed about.  We make up the details of her perfect life and swear to ourselves that they’re true. When we run into her at the grocery store with our baby’s puke still on our sleeve and yesterday’s make-up clinging only to parts of our face – she is, as always, standing with perfect posture wearing whatever is on the mannequin at the mall, only in one size smaller. And we are sure that there is probably some chauffeur waiting outside to pick her up…and she’s probably NEVER even had to burp a baby. When she shows up at work with her quickly whipped-out brilliant ideas, we go from a grape to a raisin, thinking about the presentation that we’ve worked on for months-that isn’t even worth sharing now. We are certain that she’s got more where that came from, and she probably only had to work on her presentation for an hour because everything comes so easily to her. When she has the exciting and prestigious career, we’re stuck at home with the kids. When we’ve put in a long summer at work, she’s spent a whole meaningful summer playing with her kids-she doesn’t have to work. Compara gets whatever she wants, we get the left-overs. Yes, she’s got it all.

better than myself

If you truly believe that you know the perfect woman, it’s time to cut her some slack. If you don’t, you’ll never cut yourself any. If what she appears to be and what she appears to have really eats you up inside, it’s time to look past appearances. It’s time for us to stop comparing, to find out Compara’s real name.

We won’t come to peace with the nature of Compara until we really look at her, look into her soul. We will likely see so much of ourselves in there. You will see the bone deep exhaustion and near-fear that you know all too well. You will see that she is quickly and furiously juggling, horrified that she is going to drop something; knowing that if she lets up for a minute, something will fall from her hands and shatter. You will see that what she really needs is a hug and a nap, not unfair judgements. And, if you could have read her mind on that day in the grocery check-out line, with baby puke on your sleeve as you were holding a bag of diapers in your hand – the only thing you would have heard in her thoughts was “I wish I could meet someone and start a family, I’d give anything to have a baby…that woman is so lucky…she has it all.” You are her Compara.

lets be good to each other

What we need to constantly realize, aside from the fact that comparing never goes anywhere good, is that we have the tendency to compare the very worst parts of ourselves to the very best parts of others. How can that ever go anywhere good?

OF COURSE HER BEST LOOKS BETTER THAN YOUR WORST! And…who cares anyway? Not that it matters, but…your best looks better than her worst too.

When we give that woman who’s ‘got it all’ the same respect that we should be giving ourselves, and really look at her, we will see things differently. Even if things appear to be as perfect as we imagine them to be for her, there are so many parts that we unfairly leave out the story; for her or for ourselves.

We’re all much closer to ‘having it all’ than we give ourselves credit for, even if we’re not…we’re a few choices away. Having it all doesn’t mean having every single thing that is available in the world…it simply means choosing the things that we cherish most, and giving OUR all to those. When we focus on the best things for our unique lives, we have it all…all of what WE individually want and choose.

Stop Comparin’ You-de-her……..
I’ll stop comparin’ me-de-her
You are just right, just the way you are………me too!

I am a soul

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